Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
