Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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