i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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