He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
