Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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