maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
