Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
