I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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