god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
