Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize