It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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