You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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