someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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