my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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