The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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