Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize