It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
