How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
