And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
