Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
