Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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