There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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