found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
