got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
