The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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