mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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