I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
