There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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