dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
