You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
