I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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