I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
