On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
