I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
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We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
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FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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