I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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