Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
