so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
