Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
