so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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