I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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