Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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