So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
