Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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