He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
