i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
