Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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