Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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