Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
