Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
