Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
