cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
