hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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