I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
