I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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