Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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