Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
