I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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