I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
