He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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