This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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